...moving on..

The time before she came into my life, it seems like a blur....how I used to be, what I used to do with my time..I can't seem to recall anything. It seems like your life had no meaning; no purpose before she walked in.. but this might all be an illusion.

an illusion created from the fact that you miss her...

I have always been a loner. Not the standard definition of a loner, but a loner nevertheless.
Wherever I stayed, may it be school, work or college even, I tend to get close to certain specific  set of people. And these people will consider me as one of their closest friends and I will do them justice by doing the same, but only when I am around them.
As soon as I go back home, I tend to curl up in to my own little world and forget about these wonderful people who treats me like family. So I had never txted to see how they are doing, I had never called them and checked up on them. No contact or networking, till I meet them in person again.

I think this stems from the way I was brought up. My mother, the wonderful woman she is, made sure that we always lived close to the school we attended. She was protective of us as she brought us up by herself. Most of my time was spent at home with my mom and my sister. This was the full extent of my social life.  

Another factor about growing up in a household with no father figure and a limited social circle was the fact that I became very awkward in the dealing with other men and be very comfortable in the interactions with women.

And when I meant comfortable, I meant that I considered them to be my friends. It still surprises me that up till the moment I met her at work, I had never looked at a girl or thought about a girl in terms of dating them. Ohh yes, I had my crushes. But still I never acted upon them. Why? confidence, lack of life experience to timing. Could be many reasons.

And then, it May 2013, I met her.

Its funny how it all happened. Me being myself, never noticed the fact that she was interested in me. Me being the self-centered as I am asked her for help to ask her friend out.
And while we txting back and forth, I started to notice her. Her sense of humor, her way of looking at life, the struggles she had been through and her craziness. And I tell you, before I knew what was going on, I had fallen in love.

She is a wonderful person who loved me like you always wanted a person to love you. That kind of love I didnt deserve. But yet she did.
My life changed. I started to really live my life. I wasn't going through the motions anymore, I was living my life, with this amazing person.
Thousands of memories, millions of moments and sadly, buckets of tears.

To this date, I don't blame her for the break up or I am not mad at her for ending the relationship.

It was simply the matter of the fact that she fell in love with a little boy. I have yet to grow up. The flaws in my personality, my lack of life experience made it impossible for the relationship to continue.

I am still in love with her. 

And I hope that deep down, she is too. And initially, I literally tried to guilt her to take me back.  But now.. I think its good that we didnt start the relationship once again.

It failed for a reason, and before I put her or anyone else through the same thing, there are thing that needs fixing.

Starting from bigger problems like my ego, my attitude to little things like the way I speak. There are improvements to be made.
And 2015 is gonna be the year that changes me. Correction, the year that I change myself. For the better.

So Thank you Berry. Thank you for 14 months of care and love. Thank you for putting up with all the drama. I know that the chance of you reading this is almost nil. But Thank you for being the amazing person you were and are.

I think its high time I moved on. I have been trying to but all the good memories were clouding the bad ones. And I was imagining our relationship to be a fairy-tale of sorts. It was not. I remember all the moments I made you cry and break down. And I think I reflect on those and start working on the issues that I have.

Its time I started moving on....